Random D&M Thoughts

I have been having some interesting thoughts about weight and size and the opinion of the fashion community towards these issues lately. These thoughts have been sparked from watching a couple of semi-reality shows. One of the shows I have been very interested in and enjoyed immensely – Project Catwalk/Project Runway. This is a show that is kind of the equivalent of Idol, but for fashion designers. It sees a group of fashion designers creating garments each week and then these garments are modeled, of course by super skinny models. While I enjoy the show I am occasionally struck by the comments the judges make about the way the models look – saying that it is unacceptable to make clothing that makes a girl look like she has slightly bigger hips or slightly bigger thighs. It frustrates me. These judges are looking for originality and innovation in design but want to be sheep who think like everyone else when it comes to what body shape looks good. Don’t they realize how much power the fashion industry has over what shapes are held up as being attractive?
One episode I found particularly interesting. One of the designers was herself working as a plus-sized model before coming on the show as a way of making money. She  was in the final and she created a collection with some designs made for skinny women and other designs made for bigger women. And the judges told her that she should stick to one or the other. As a bigger woman I wanted to applaud her. I always feel that it is very hard to find original and interesting clothes for bigger women. I can’t think of one top designer who is a household name who considers both markets in that way, and that frustrates me. I’m not a fashionista myself, but I like clothes that are slightly unusual. I wish that occasionally I could walk into a little arty boutique and find that it sold clothes in my size.
An interesting outcome from watching this show and the frustrations I have felt has been that I have decided I want to learn to sew and try to design interesting clothes for myself. I’m sure I’ll fall flat on my face, but I want to give it a go.

The other show I have watched a little of that frustrated me was the first season of America’s Next Top Model. I only got through the first show before packing that one in! It was pathetic. But it frustrated me because I thought it might have something work watching when I first started. The host, Tyra Banks, began her introduction for the show saying she was looking for people of all shapes and sizes. But when the finalists were picked they were all tall and skinny. I’m not attacking Tyra Banks. Since the creation of this show she has put on some weight and proved that she is not tied down by the stereotypical fashion industry image of beauty. But on this show I felt she was somewhat hypocritical. Anyway, there was one finalist picked who was slightly bigger than the others. And I mean slightly bigger, I couldn’t tell the difference myself. But when she was being considered by the judges they stated, “She must be being considered for the plus-sized market.” I couldn’t believe it – there was no way she was plus-sized!!! Then one of the judges said she didn’t think it was possible for America’s next top model to be plus-sized. I was horrified. For an industry that is supposed to be innovative and cutting-edge, there is absolutely no vision, originality or courage anywhere in sight. What a bunch of hypocrites.

What attracts you to someone? I don’t mean internally, I am purely talking physically. I have been wondering why I find my head turning when certain guys go by. More than that, I have been wondering why the way someone looks is such a powerful thing. Why does a pretty face (so to speak) make me want to look again?
There must be a degree to which our minds control the situation. Think about it, a doctor can look at a patient who looks good but not be affected because it is not professionally appropriate. A male gynecologist can look at a female patient’s genitals and not be turned on, yet that same gynecologist may look at his partner’s genitals and find them very attractive, because he is looking with another intent. Or think of a doctor dealing with a woman with breast cancer, and then looking at a different pair of breasts and finding them sexy.
Sometimes I get frustrated at myself when I find my head turning. If only because I like logic and there is no logic in attraction. But also because I never want to be seen as a piece of meat so I’d rather not see someone else that way. It never ceases to surprise me that people don’t see anything wrong with how much importance is placed on looks, and how socially acceptable it is for jaws to drop and eyes to pop out of heads at mere looks.

So I was thinking the other day, how unusual. I don’t know how I would cope with married life if it were to come. I have grown so used to being single, making my own decisions, keeping my own secrets. How do people learn to adapt and change to let someone else into their life? Are some people just more suited to life with a partner than others? Do people in a relationship ever feel like they would like to have 2 houses so that when they need time by themselves that option exists? Or at least separate rooms?
It’s funny, I keep wishing for a relationship. Suddenly I’m not even sure if I would be able to hold one down successfully. Do I want to give up my independence? Am I willing to share everything with one other person? Will my desire to be loved and my feelings of loneliness outweigh the claustrophobia that comes when I get too close to someone? Or will I be happy for a while in the presence of someone who loves me, only to find that once the loneliness and desire to be loved are taken care of I’m claustrophobic again?

I was thinking about flowers today. I walked past a patch of earth. A week ago there were tulips growing there, but now nothing. It set me thinking about the length of life. Tulips are beautiful, they are vibrant and colourful, they are one of my favourite flowers. But they don’t live very long. This set me thinking about the length of our lives and asking a philosophical question.

Would you prefer to live a short life but very beautiful and bright and colourful, or would you prefer to live for a long time but have your life be mundane, ordinary, nothing special?

I’d love to hear your choices and your reasons why….

I’m wondering…
Is it wrong (emotionally speaking) to change your behaviour because you want the esteem of others? I don’t mean give in to peer pressure, I mean change behaviour from what others consider negative to what others consider positive because you want them to have a good opinion of you? Like if you know that the person you like doesn’t like swearing so you decide to stop swearing even though it is not something you think is wrong? Or if you try to help out at a soup kitchen because you are worried that people might see you as shallow or self absorbed or unloving?

I don’t know if I am making sense. I am asking because I have been having thoughts lately about behaviour modification. They have come about through hearing about friends of mine and hearing them talk about what they love about each other. It struck me that they seemed better people than me, that they seemed so much better at loving and noticing little things about each other than I would be, and it made me feel like maybe the reason I am single is because I’m not good at giving out love in the same way so maybe I was deserving of receiving it. Suddenly I found myself wondering if I changed some things about myself whether I would be a more loveable person and maybe then I would find someone who would want to love me.

What I’m asking in this post is whether you think that is a dangerous path to head down? Am I setting myself up for a fall if I change my behaviour for the better in the hopes that someone will then like me? And is it a bad motivation for behaviour change? Is any impetus that brings about a positive change a good thing (the end justifies the means), or are my reasons for behaviour change just as important as the change itself? Does the end have less meaning if the means are corrupt?

I’d like to hear your thoughts. Let me know…

I was having a conversation the other day with my current housemate. We were talking about lots of different things to do with religion, in particular religion and sexuality. She was telling me that she has come across numerous Christian girls who believe that they shouldn’t have sex before marriage but who also believe that they have not violated their virginity if they give head-jobs. Both of us considered this to be a little off.
Let me explain my point of view. I have grown up as a Christian but at the moment I don’t know where I stand in terms of that. Even so I find myself having thoughts sometimes that I just hang onto for when I work out where I am on the whole God thing. This is one of those…

These girls are trying to live a very religious life. They are trying to make themselves right in the eyes of God by doing everything by the book. I think they are holding onto the idea that they can earn their way to heaven or into God’s good books (so to speak) by doing everything they are supposed to. But I can’t believe that is what God is looking for.
Working on the premise there is a God who loves people and wants us to know him and love and obey him, I can’t believe that what he wants is people to push boundaries to get away with as much as they can while still being ‘right’ in the eyes of God. God gave us free will because he wanted us to choose to love him. If he just wanted beings that behaved themselves perfectly all the time he would have created robots. But he created beings that could think for themselves, could choose for themselves. What do you think God thinks of human beings who follow him up to the very boundary of the letter of the law, but who follow him joylessly, meaninglessly, constantly trying to push that boundary and negotiate with God and with society as to what behaviour is acceptable?
I believe being a Christian and following God is about faith, not about doing everything right all the time. We can try all we want to do everything right all the time, but we will never succeed. And even if we could succeed in following all the laws we believe we should, ours hearts may not be obedient or repentant. Look at the Pharisees in Jesus day, they followed the Jewish laws to the letter, and Jesus was disgusted with them. He did not have a problem with them following the laws, but he saw their motives and their inner hearts too. He chose instead to spend time with the people who looked less than perfect, whose lives were full of mistakes. He looked past the mistakes and saw willing spirits. He saw people who could recognize their need for what he had to offer and came to him willingly.
I think that girls who think they are still a virgin until penetration occurs are fooling themselves because they want to do something they really deep-down believe they shouldn’t. And in this way I believe they are sinning. Sin is anything that separates us from God, usually our own selfish desires to go our own way or to get away with giving into temptation. That is why following the exact letter of the law (eg: virgin until penetration occurs) or trying to negotiate with God in this way just doesn’t work…

I had an interesting realisation the other day. I was looking at some wedding photos. It’s strange, if you had asked me a couple of years ago I would have been looking at the photos wishing I could be the bride. Looking at the photos I suddenly realised that was no longer what was in my mind. I was looking at the photos glad it wasn’t me. Does that sound strange? It was to me too! It was a bit of a revelation.
I should explain. I guess I’ve spent my life picturing this life I thought I wanted. It’s not like I fantasized about my wedding, although I know people who have their whole wedding planned out before they even meet their future spouse. Even so, I had this picture of getting married. Looking at the wedding pictures I realised that picture did not exist anymore.

I’m sorry, I’m explaining this badly. It is not something I can explain properly because I don’t really understand it myself. All I know is that my outlook has changed somehow. It’s not that I suddenly want to be single. I would rather not be single. I don’t know if what has changed is that I’ve accepted singledom if that is what comes… Maybe. But I think it is more like a realisation about the life I had been picturing, and the wedding and marriage is just part of that. I think that more than anything else it is the settled life that I have come to rebel against. The life in which you own a house and settle down and have 2.4 children and have the same group of friends for the rest of your life. I know so many people who stay in the one little community all their life – all their friends go to the same church or something like that. And I realised that life is not for me, and I would not be happy with that life. This does not mean I don’t want to get married, I just don’t want married life if/when it comes to mean living in the one town for the rest of my life with 2.4 children and a white picket fence.

One interesting thing about this revelation is that I think it has helped me to finally let go of past relationship. My only past relationship. It ended so long ago, but ever since I have been asking myself what I did wrong to make it end or imagining if certain things hadn’t happened that I would have been married by now. And now I find myself glad to be where I am, not married. I’m not ready for that, and I certainly wasn’t back then! It’s funny though, it’s what I thought I wanted at the time…

It’s funny the way people are treated once they are famous. Such a strange thing to me. What is it that attracts people to reading all the latest news/gossip about all these random people we haven’t met?
I’m often ashamed to admit it, but I’m a sucker for a magazine like most women. I don’t generally buy them, but I’ll sit in a doctor’s waiting room and happily read magazines from 5 years ago with plenty of interest. Why. What holds my interest?
I’ve recently got the internet on at home 24/7. This is the first time in my life. And I find myself googling actors and musicians that I like and looking up what constitutes “news” out there. Did you know that it was considered news-worthy that John Mayer blogged about sending in a problem report to Apple for something that went wrong with his i-pod. What the…? I wouldn’t have even found the original blog interesting let alone a news report about it.
But what really started me writing this entry was something I was reading about Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter, for those who don’t know). He has recently starred in a stage show in which he appears naked. I have a lot of respect for this kid. He is clearly not content to spend the rest of his life living on the fame of the Harry Potter movies. He is out there finding other work before the all the movies have even been made. And he is picking roles that are challenging and not the standard fare the majority of his adoring fans would go see. The thing that surprised me was seeing some of his fans reactions to one of the publicity shots from the play in which he appears naked. He is naked in the photo and is posing with a naked older woman. This photo was posted on some random person’s blog, but all the comments were directed to Daniel, as though he would be likely to read them. And so many of the comments were negative. I thought a picture of the naked torso of their idol would get them all drooling, but instead most girls seemed to feel he’d done it to personally offend them. And so many commented “yuck”.
I guess it shows the age and maturity level of the average Daniel Radcliffe fan. Poor guy. It must be so hard to be subject to that sort of publicity and reaction. But it gets me asking, why do these girls feel let down and offended by the behaviour of this boy they have never met? Why is it so important to them? What causes us to behave in this way?